The CDC's Guide to Not Killing Your Family While Living Together (Now That You've Moved Out of Your Apt)
8/25/20 New Yorker Shouts & Murmurs Submission
Let’s kick off with a New Yorker Shouts & Murmers submission I wrote during the first Pandemic August. I was living with family, and I was trying to muscle through a novel I’d started writing a few years earlier about moving back in with parents as a twenty-something, so ~familial cohabitation~ was top of mind.
This was rejected, which is why it’s here and not hanging on my refrigerator. The funniest thing about this piece is that it’s 2345674321256 words long, so good luck getting through it! Also I can only find the PDF version, so I had to copy/paste into here hence wonky formatting. Bla bla bla. Anyway, let’s get to it:
Dear Editor,
I’ve attached a Shouts & Murmurs submission in the hopes that you’ll consider it for future publication:
The CDC's Newly-Issued Guide: How to Protect Yourself & Family From Killing One Another While Living Together.
It's a bit long. I kept cutting the intro, then adding it back in. I'm submitting it as-is so that you have full context and can cut whatever you want should this get the green-light. Also happy to rework.
Thank you for your consideration,
Amelia
As the migration of older millennials into their parents’ homes continues to rise, reports of severe inter-familial aggravation has increased. In response, the CDC has issued a new guide: How to Protect Yourself & Family From Killing One Another While Living Together.
“Early on into quarantine, I was way more worried about getting my parents sick than getting myself sick,” says Katie Smith, a 32-year-old former Brooklynite who recently moved back home with her parents in New Jersey. “Now that my fiancé and I have joined my mom and dad’s suburban quarantine bubble (we got tested, don’t worry), I’m honestly more scared that we’ll all kill one another.”
Smith is among many of today’s Old Youths who hasn’t “spent this much time back at home since high school.” Polled families report that they’re eternally grateful for such unprecedented amounts of quality family time, and that having many loved ones under the same roof has provided a much-needed sense of comfort. However, there is a dark side: Families not used to such arrangements are driving one another to the brink of madness, and messing up the presets in their mothers’ cars along the way.
In an effort to flatten the curve of phone calls the CDC has received from fully grown children just shouting “ARGHHHHHHHHHHH” into the phone, and from parents begging someone to tell their son-in-law that he has to clean off the lint screen before using the dryer or he’ll set the whole place on fire, for god’s sake—“Maybe he’ll actually listen to you!,” the CDC has put together the below guide to help families who aren’t used to having a house “so full of life again,” as Ashley’s mother put it through gritted teeth.
Resource care of CDC.gov: https://www.cdc.gov./so-you-left-the-city-and-moved-back-home/oy/how-to/ stay-sane/prevention.html
How to Protect Yourself & Family From Killing One Another
Updated August 20, 2021
Know how it (tension) spreads
There is currently no vaccine to prevent family members who live together from
annoying one another, no matter how blessed you all feel to be spending this much
time with one another under the same roof.
The best way to prevent fights is to avoid being overexposed to one another’s
idiosyncrasies, but good luck with that.• Tension is thought to spread mainly from parent-to-offspring, offspring-to-parent, spouse-to-spouse, sibling-to-sibling, in-law to in-law, and any combination of all the above
Between loved ones who are in close contact with one another (within about 6 feet) for more than a week.
Through auditory daggers produced when the offending party clears his/her throat habitually, sneezes way too dramatically, types too loudly, chews weirdly, breathes too audibly, talks—just in general, really, and stomps around the house on the balls of his/her “god damn feet like a Clydesdale.”
Via relentless aggravations of your hyper-particular pet peeves which, to be fair, you haven’t actually verbalized so how can anyone know, but still—isn’t it common sense?, such as:
Rolling up, rather than using a chip clip to close the bag of chips in use.
Not replacing the toilet paper roll when it’s about to run out which inevitably puts the next person who sits down in quite a predicament.
Soaking the bathroom floor after a shower—HOW?
Not using coasters
Not refilling ice cube trays after they’re emptied
Leaving the door ajar when the air conditioning is on. It doesn’t matter if you’re about to be right back—you’re not the one paying the ConEd bill!
Hovering
Some recent studies have suggested that tension may be spread by people who are not feeling tension themselves, but who are very much annoying everyone else. (Ahem…Joseph.)
Everyone Who is Moving Home Temporarily Should
Wash your hands of the autonomy you’ve become accustomed to as an independent adult; all relationships automatically revert back to the same dynamic held when you were a teenager.
“My roof, my rules” applies.
Just because you close a door doesn’t mean your parents won’t open it the
moment you’re trying to change your clothes.
You can still get in trouble for cursing, using a Tone of Voice, doing
something else while someone is talking to you, closing the windows to put the AC on when you’re hot but your parents want fresh air, leaving out unfinished cans of seltzer, eating all the __, sleeping in.
Your presence and “being-present" will be required at evening family meals, no matter what.
You must notify someone of your whereabouts at all times, particularly if you’re taking a car (never return the car with an empty tank; do not mess up your mother’s radio presets).
Likewise, you will be notified of the whereabouts of others at all time of day, even though you literally don’t care and just want to be left alone
You will never be left alone, particularly when you want to make a private phone call.
Speaking of, you will be encouraged to put phone calls with friends and other family members on speaker phone and sit next to your mom so you can hold the phone for her while she does most of the talking on your call.
They like her more than you.
Cell phones are banned at the dinner table, unless your IT services have
been explicitly requested by the more distinguished members at the table.
You will have no control over what your dad does/doesn’t have on his
lower half when he walks behind you mid-Zoom meeting.
Living in someone else’s home for free automatically disqualifies you from publicly whining about all the above. Now please take out the trash.
Avoid close contact
Inside the home: Avoid consecutive close contact with any non-blood-related
housemates whose voices trigger within you the desire to pull out your own knuckle hairs one by one.
If possible, maintain 6 hours of separation between the offending housemate.
Wear headphones indoors and say you’re “on a call.”
Assure your sibling(s) that you really do love her new romantic interest,
and you’re so glad she chose to invite him into the sacred family quarantine bubble despite having just met him on a dating app at the end of April and despite the fact that he could be a total serial killer for all you know...I mean he does eat pizza with a fork and knife, and isn’t the voice he uses to talk to the dog a little suspicious? Like not sing-song-y enough?
Remember that even the most beloved of family members without previous infractions may be able to annoy you; it’s only a matter of time.
Follow the friend-on-family-vacation rule of thumb: if they’re annoying you, you’re probably annoying them.
Stay away from any parents and/or in-laws who give you the sense that they want you to help them move heavy objects.
Avoid anyone who has that look in their eye that they’re about to ask you to help them sort through X, clean out Y, or organize Z.
Avoid all contact with any family member who has just finished watching a rogue haircutting tutorial on Facebook and feels confident that they could do a good job on you
Keep the dog away from this family member, too.
Cover your eyes with a mask or sunglasses when around others with whom you don’t feel like chit-chatting
This tricks family members preparing to ask, “So, moving back into your own place anytime soon,” or “What are you doing with your life,” into thinking you’re taking a nap.
(A recent study of families on vacation shows that “lying down for a few minutes” is generally encouraged, whereas sleeping in late is an embarrassment to your family name and an affront to your ancestors.)
The mask/sunglasses protects others from seeing your rolling eyes or that you’re finding something funny that isn’t meant to be funny.
Continue to keep about one entirely-closed-door room between yourself and others when you really do need space from Joseph or you’re gonna scream. The mask is not a substitute for inter-household familial distancing.
Cover-up-coughs (and sneezes)
Always cover your sibling-directed-insults with fake coughs at the dinner table because that passive-aggressive trick never gets old and is easy to deny in parental court.
Do not sneeze in your sibling’s face no matter how tempting/funny it is to pretend you’re about to tell them a secret and then letting one fly instead.
Clean and Disinfect
Clean AND disinfect your language around your parents, and around nieces/nephews under the age of “plays video games competitively online with strangers so probably knows worse words than you do”
If surfaces are dirty, clean them. Per your parents, “This isn’t a goddamn hotel.”
It’s especially important to clean:
The sink after you brush your teeth
Any mess near you so that you don’t get blamed for it
Your search history and open browsers in case your mom has a habit of thinking your laptop is her laptop
Avoid touching your sibling’s eyes, nose, and mouth with unwashed hands
If dish soap/laundry detergent/trash bags/paper towels aren’t available and if the toilet paper runs out, it is recommended that you do not ignore the empty canisters to passive-aggressively teach your brother-in-law who never does anything a lesson. Instead, keep the peace; restock the piece.
Please return the toilet seat to its intended position...JOSEPH!!!
Monitor Your Mental Health Daily
Be alert for symptoms. Watch for headaches, clenched jaws, shortness of replies, being “in a mood,” “taking a tone” with your mother, banging your head against things, eye rolls, mimed screams, mimicking the way someone just said something when he turns around, behind-the-back-middle fingers, complaining to the family dog, wishing you were back in solo quarantine with only your sourdough starter and post-grad Ikea plant to keep you company, or other symptoms of being annoyed by your beloved family members.
If symptoms develop, take two Advil, a chill pill, and a shot of alcohol or chocolate syrup (forever in your parents’ fridge, bottom left shelf, doesn’t go bad) and give yourself a reality check/privileged-check/pep talk: “Listen up, you’re being a baby. You can handle this. You love these people. They love you. You are lucky everyone is healthy, that your family is altogether, that you even have a family who is willing not only to house you, but to temporarily loan you your childhood bedroom despite the fact that they were just about to turn it into the crafts-room they’ve always dreamed of.”
Take a walk around the block if symptoms continue.
But don’t take a walk within 30 minutes before dinner because you will get called until you answer, first by a family member asking about your whereabouts and then again by someone asking if you can pick up more toothpaste.
Text your friends “should we all just go in on a townhouse and start a commune” if symptoms develop.